I am feeling bad tonight or rather I have a bad feeling. For years I would get these feelings not really knowing why. I consider myself to be a very sensitive person. I have sensed that for the past three weeks my eldest is not coping too well.
Problem is he is a closed book, he just will not open up and I just don't know how to reach him let alone help him but what I do know is unless we engage I am useless.
He had called me earlier to let me know he was catching up with a "friend" after work. Well not a friend in my book, the person you would run too when all else fails, someone who will give you something to help with the pain. A last resort and as I sit here I will remind him again inside my mind.
I was blind once my darling, wonderful son but I will never be blind again and you can no longer hide things from me.
I know what these feelings are, they are my alarm bells and I know its my son who is ringing them, we all have our bells especially us mothers.
So as time passes and I am too scared to check to see if he has missed the last bus. I wonder what kind of state he is in, is he safe. I will try to call him and his phone will be off, all I can do is wait, he has grown up now, legal to come and go as he pleases and in reality slips out of my hands.
The reality of living with the long term effects of child abuse
Disclosing abuse is the hardest thing a child can do. Especially when for years they are brainwashed into believing it was their fault, they made him do it, I made him do it he once told me, at that time I never knew what he was talking about but he thought I had found out. The abuser will do all in his/her power to avoid accepting responsibility for his/her actions. All blame is put upon the abused, still to this day in court a child can be accused of enticement. I wonder sometimes how far have we have actually come...and always its not far enough.
Reality is abuse exists. It has existed in its many forms since the human race has been around yet again and again we fail to stop it. It is the human races biggest shame and biggest secret. Silencing the true reality of abuse is what feeds it. Yet even when the silence is broken it is an impossible task for most to get justice.
I worry what message we send our children, our future. Every day thousands of children are abused because there is no deterrent.
My blog is a place to offload my mind. A release where I can be free.
My story has no beginning and no end. I can however give you some background info. I was born into life and here I am like us all. I first started blogging as Mother4Justice.
It came about when my eldest son disclosed 16 years of child abuse to me. Within time I learnt my youngest was also abused.
I started blogging in the hope of making sense of what had happened to my children and supporting them as they tried to bring their abuser to Justice. After over 2 years waiting for a trail date, over 7 preliminary hearings, their abuser was given an 18 month Suspended Sentence For Assault and never prosecuted for the emotional and sexual abuse that he put my children through. These charges were withdrawn not dropped, according to the Procurator Fiscal we should take some comfort in that.
Here we are, at the aftermath of our so called Justice System....I hope all involved will forever hang their heads in shame !