Monday, 2 July 2012

FEELING BAD TONIGHT

I am feeling bad tonight or rather I have a bad feeling. For years I would get these feelings not really knowing why. I consider myself to be a very sensitive person. I have sensed that for the past three weeks my eldest is not coping too well.

Problem is he is a closed book, he just will not open up and I just don't know how to reach him let alone help him but what I do know is unless we engage I am useless.

He had called me earlier to let me know he was catching up with a "friend" after work. Well not a friend in my book, the person you would run too when all else fails, someone who will give you something to help with the pain. A last resort and as I sit here I will remind him again inside my mind.

I was blind once my darling, wonderful son but I will never be blind again and you can no longer hide things from me.

I know what these feelings are, they are my alarm bells and I know its my son who is ringing them, we all have our bells especially us mothers.

So as time passes and I am too scared to check to see if he has missed the last bus. I wonder what kind of state he is in, is he safe. I will try to call him and his phone will be off, all I can do is wait, he has grown up now, legal to come and go as he pleases and in reality slips out of my hands.

The reality of living with the long term effects of child abuse

4 comments:

  1. I have come across your blog from another, and am interested in reading about "this side" of abuse. (By "this side", I mean the mother of abused children.) As a child that has experienced abuse, your blog may be a helpful tool in my healing. I look forward to following along.

    Have a good week.

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  2. Hi Amanda, I hope in some way I can help, my first blog is all about emotions on discovering child abuse and following my kids along the road to justice ie the justice system. My head was all over the place and it may trigger so visit with caution. http://mother4justice.blogspot.co.uk/. Remembering I cannot express my childrens point of view as it is not mine only what I as a mother experienced.

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  3. Hi there I know it is nearly 3 months later and I do not know what happened with your son. I hope for both of you that he is ok. "Patience is a virtue" they say and you need a lot of patience with survivors of abuse. I am one and I used to be a closed book to those around me. Still am a bit I suspect :-).
    I had to do it my way. Healing I mean. My grandmother would have loved to help me with it but it was just not right for me. But I always knew that if it comes to the last I could go to her and find help and the protection and love I need.
    I have a feeling that deep down inside your son knows that he can come to you as well and that you are there not matter what happened in the past. But he has to do it his way. His way might lead him into bad places. His way might mean a lot of pain for you. But as long as you believe in him that he can find his way of healing he will eventually open up.
    I know I did with my granny. It needed about 25 years or so but I eventually did :-).

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  4. Thank you beth, I wait and I watch, powerless. kind words are a blessing break, especially from a survivor x

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